I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
