Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Randomize
