Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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