i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
