All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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