Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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