The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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