shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
