i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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