Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
17 Subtle Body Language Signs That Reveal A Lot About Someone
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
These 21 Declassified Government Horrors Are Unimaginable
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's