I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
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Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
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I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?