fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.