while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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