If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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