before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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