My hand turned me down
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
last night I used snow as a chaser
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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