I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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