I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
