I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
