somebody snuck up and got me drunk
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
