I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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