but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
