I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I didn't notice because vodka
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
