I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
