some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
