I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
