Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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