also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
