every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
