He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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