i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
