she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
