I want to walk on stilts...naked
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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