Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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