I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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