I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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