Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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