So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Randomize
