Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
