you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
