last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
