your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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