Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
