i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
