I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
