if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
