When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
ttyl tear gas
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
