my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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