He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
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