Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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