So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
