4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
