Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
