Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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