I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize