Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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