this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
PANTIES FOUND
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
