She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
