the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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